writing is

A quote by John Green that I knew I loved and related to the moment I heard it was one that essentially got me addicted to writing in the first place. He said,

"Writing is a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story, but don't want to make eye contact while doing it."

This quote stuck with me through high school as I battled a terrific case of social anxiety that left me immobile in the most opportune moments: speaking up about things I saw or heard, raising my hand in class even though I knew the answer, and even asking for directions after wandering 20 minutes in a store looking for a bathroom were things that I could never bring myself to do.

I met with a professor at the college I now go to during a preview a few years prior, and I explained that the school was just too small for me. What was I looking for in a college campus? She asked. My response was simple: to remain invisible until the day I graduated.

My mum explained to this professor my situation; that I didn't want anyone to know who I was. One of my biggest fears was the idea that I could be called on in the middle of a lecture hall filled with people. My logic was, in a school with lectures that had 60 or more students, my chances of being noticed were slim to none.

This professor's eyes began to swell with tears. I was put off by this, as I wasn't quite sure why she was crying. She smiled and took my hand, and told me how valued my voice needed to be. She told me how much I needed to believe that I should be heard instead of hidden. She prayed for me there, and in the midst of a stranger crying and praying over my anxiety in the middle of a college preview, I began to realize how important my voice was.

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Voice is a strange thing. When I was little, I imagined being Ariel from the Little Mermaid; how would I make it in this world if my voice was taken away from me? I always knew in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be able to do it, but I convinced myself that it actually wouldn't be that bad.

The thing is, voice is important, but I didn't want to be good at sharing all of the things I had to say. That quote by John Green showed me that I had another outlet, one that was much easier than being possessed by an evil sea witch and forced to figure out how to do without; the answer was writing.

I wrote plenty of stories as a kid, putting myself as my own character inside of my favorite books and movies, and making up my own worlds. Quickly, writing became an outlet.

I didn't understand what it meant to be a writer; in fact, I still don't really have a decent clue. All I know is, my writing proved to me that I was good at something bigger than myself. I began to see the world in new ways, hear, touch, feel, smell, taste the way that my words sat on a tongue.

A gift I've been told I have is that of empathy. This is a necessary aspect of being a writer, because a writer doesn't write from experience. If we did, we would maybe have one book. Maybe. A writer has to write out of empathy -- from seeing the world in someone else's perspective, and being able to articulate their own thoughts and feelings. It's an important job, one that I didn't really realize until quite recently.

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I recently did something that up until this year, I wouldn't have even dared. A professor and mentor of mine invited me to a church gathering followed by an open mic night, and knowing that I write a lot of sad poetry (as sad poetry is the only good poetry, in my opinion) she asked if I would write some spoken word.

I, not knowing anything about what spoken word meant, watched nearly 4 hours of YouTube slam poets perform in front of all different sizes of crowds. An anxious excitement began to race through me; would I even be any good at this? What if I can't write a poem that's worthy of being read aloud? And how do I even stand in front of a group of people and read a poem with a microphone in my hand?

I almost backed out of it, I really did. I told myself a million different things that could go wrong and had drafted out the perfect text to my professor telling her that I couldn't do it due to a family emergency -- my go-to excuse.

But something stopped me. Something about a particular phrase that came to my mind, that told me I just needed to try. I lay awake in bed, tossing and turning, when the words:

Attitude shatters chandeliers into hurricanes of glass tears, and you live in a constant fear that someone else will break you more than you already break yourself

came to my mind.

How was I supposed to ignore this? I had to at least try. This phrase then became a stanza in an 11 page poem that I wrote for last Saturday evening and spoke in front of a crowd of maybe 30 people. It was terrifying and invigorating all the same, and I loved it.

Had you asked me a year ago to do something like that, I would have laughed and immediately turned the idea away without a second thought, nor would I have regretted missing out on the opportunity. I knew I would have regretted it if I didn't do this, and I definitely don't regret it now.

But more than that, something happened later that night that really showed me exactly why I had been asked to do it. The pastor of the church is my professor's husband, who leads a youth group for the middle school and high school kids. One of the girls in the youth group, according to my professor, has been unreachable for a while now.

Nose down in a screen during bible study, struggling with her own identity, and completely unresponsive to the world around her, they weren't sure if anything would get to her the way that they prayed it would.

And then, after I got off the stage, heart racing with anxious adrenaline from performing the poem I wrote, this girl walked over to the pastor and hugged him tightly, thanking him sincerely for what they had put on that night.

Something about my poem had touched her in a way that nothing else had succeeded in doing before; the themes that I spoke on finally gave her something to relate to. And as heartbreaking as it is, knowing what my poem was really about, I'm glad that she saw the beauty in it regardless.

And that was the biggest, most direct sign from God that I am called to write that I have ever seen firsthand. The fact that the first time I ever write and perform something in front of people has an effect like that, could be nothing else but God.

Something had told me, as I stayed up late writing that poem, that I needed to discuss what I did. Something in me, something bigger than myself, told me to write that poem. Because life is nothing short of beautiful, and so many people can't see it as that, including me sometimes, and I'm just thankful that it managed to touch at least one person in the room that night.

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Voice is nothing short of a God given gift. Without it, I don't know who I would be. Voice has the ability to change people, to turn someone from silent to roaring with the force of a thousand mighty voices. It has the ability to reach people that no one else could reach.

That is why writing is so important to me; because it is my voice. I don't cry, I bleed on the paper. Every feeling, emotion, or experience I have is written down, because words are timeless and voice is meaningful. I write about what hurts most, because I can deal with the real world with more clarity that way.

My voice is what decides who I am. I can be a million different people with one succinct voice, able to stand above a million against me. It is important to me to remember and believe that my voice deserves to be heard, because who knows how many more will take my voice to heart as well.

E

P.S. I'll be posting snippets of the video, and maybe the full manuscript soon. Just because I learned all of that doesn't mean I also like the way my voice sounds in a video though.